uBaba Ka Duduzane: The Ultimate Strategist?

Source: The Citizen

Following the amusing analyses and predictions popping up in the media regarding P-P-Pr-r-r.e.s. Zuma’s (it’s rather difficult to refer to him as “President”) strategy for the upcoming ANC Elective Conference in December, I somehow couldn’t understand how these analyses could be attributed to the mind of one individual who:

• Took a shower to wash down a potential  infection after having unprotected sex with an HIV positive woman;
• Cannot read numbers containing more than 5 figures (some 6 year olds can read numbers containing more than 5 figures);
• Feels threatened by “clever blacks”;
• Recites a passage like a 5 year old who has just learned to read his first children’s book;

     What kind of in-depth analysis would one need, to make an assessment for such mind boggling stupidity of an individual? But, for the sake of satire, let’s unpack the reality and intellectual capacity of one Jacob Gedleyihlekisa Zuma. (And I will from here-on refer to him as anything but P-P-Pr-r.e.s.  Zuma)

There is an assumption that No. 1 is using his ex-wife, NDZ (Nkosasana Dlamini-Zuma) as a front to mask his real intention of making Zweli Mkhize his ultimate choice to take over the ANC reins.  There is another prediction that, should Cyril Ramaphosa win, he may cut a deal with MacBuffalo  to look the other way and prevent him from standing trial for his treacherous shenanigans. There are other assumptions of The Nkandla Crooner changing tact at the 11^th hour, and making Baleka “I don’t recognise you” Mbete his running horse (pardon the pun); or the one where he plans to redeploy the two main threats (CR17 and Mkhize) to his preferred candidate (NDZ), and then proceed to secure a position for himself in the ANC top six where he can still manipulate things to his advantage. Then there is an analysis of why all the above will not transpire, and that Zuma intends to disrupt things to the extent that the conference does not take place, so that he remains Head Honcho until the General Elections in 2019 or until he’s ready to skip the country.

The only thing all of the above proves, is that no one really knows exactly what Mshini-Wam’s intention is, but the resounding agreement is that he definitely has no intention to stand trial for any crime, and return to that 6 x 8 foot cell for the rest of his criminal life. This, I would agree with, because this oke has no scruples and absolutely no sense of moral decency and will NEVER “fall on his sword” or negotiate a plea bargain with the new leaders.  Jacob G. Zuma believes that he is above reproach and stooping so low (in his little mind) as to admit that he fucked up big time, is not in his persona.

So here is my 10 cents worth of analyses and predictions.

uBaba Ka Duduzane is said to be a shrewd tactician, and a wily strategist.  This is ostensibly attributed to him being an avid chess player, and the chairman of the Chess Club during his time in incarceration on Robben Island.  I don’t, for one second, believe that he is any good in chess, although he learned to play the game on Robben Island when he was in his 20s. Being an honorary guest at the Commonwealth and South African Open Chess Championships in Port Elizabeth in 2013, he chose to play a 5 year old toddler in a game that ended in a stalemate.  Really? Playing a 5 year old little boy barely out of his nappies (Diapers)?  Some may argue it was an exhibition match or just a photo opportunity; but why choose the youngest kid at the tournament?  That said one cannot find any record of his chess prowess or how many significant games he has ever won. But, there is another report of him losing at a similar tournament to a 13 year old girl. Nonetheless, being the chairman of a chess club does not necessarily mean you are the best player in the club. For all intents and purposes, he may have been one of only two members in the club, with, probably his tutor as the second member! There is very little, if any, information on the web about the club and its members. In addition, we know for sure that he doesn’t (can’t?) read, so he may not be familiar with various chess strategies or open and closed games. To know these tactics and strategies, one should read to improve and understand how one plans a winning game.  

Artist: Zapiro

Since his rape trial back in 2006, controversy has followed him like a demon ready to take over his
soul. Amongst his many embarrassing sexploits and misadventures, was the rape of an HIV positive woman, his fathering a child with the daughter of a close friend, fraud and racketeering charges involving his “Financial Advisor”, and the latest Gupta-linked kak-storm hitting Mzanzi. Other stories emerged about his dodgy relationship with ex-convict-turned-politicians. How many cabinet reshuffles has he authorised since 2009? The level of corruption he is alleged to be embroiled in is staggering, to say the least.  One can write a book on the shit that this extra-terrestrial, sex-craved, wrecking ball homo-noid has wrought on everyone and everything for which he is accountable. But for fear of losing me in derision and for the purposes of this analysis, these few glaring examples should suffice to clarify the point.

Given all the controversial, criminal disasters he has engineered, and given the fact that each time he has been caught, literally, with his pants down, does that sound like someone who knows what he’s doing; someone who has this grand strategy that will dupe the whole country into believing he is the ultimate tactician and master of deflection?

I think not.

Artist: Zapiro

I think No. 1 has survived as long as he has, simply because he is surrounded by a plethora of
corrupt, thieving individuals just like him, and he has a folder for the criminal activities of each and every one of them, inside and outside of Government.  With this priceless information at his disposal, he knows he can do whatever his heart desires without suffering any incrimination at all. A case in point, his last cabinet reshuffle, was a big FUCK YOU to his ANC detractors and the country as a whole.  He is so confident, to the point of obstinacy, that he proceeded with the State Capture project by enacting said reshuffle of his most trusted lieutenants into the Ministry of Finance to finish the job. Suffice it to say, through courtesy of his Saxonwold handlers.

He doesn’t give a flying fuck about anything around him, least of all those pesky 783 corruption charges. I’m quite sure he doesn’t make ANY decisions or gives direction for his defence of said charges.  He leaves all of that up to his comrade-in-thieves to take care of, while he lounges at his fire-pool drinking his Umqombothi and summoning his wives one-by-one to (amuse) him…..in between pleasuring his head-bobbing masters from 5 Saxonwold drive. All he wants to hear is that his preferred candidate will succeed him at the Conference in December and that he’s not standing trial for anything.

I think the Showerhead will see the State Capture Project to its devastating end (as ordered by his head-bobbing handlers), wind things up, and charter a flight out to Mars, where Interpol can’t find him and therefore cannot be extradited. Given his infinite stupidity, he probably thinks that Mars is an island in a remote part of the globe, obscured from civilisation and inaccessible to normal people like you and I. But, under mounting public pressure his Saxonwold handlers may have a few surprises in store for him, or he for them…..there is no honour among thieves.

However, any predictions would be irrelevant should Pikkewyntjie (Shaun the Sheep) suddenly develop a backbone and decide to prosecute uBaba Ka Duduzane for those annoying 783 corruption charges, in which case, the Nkandla Crooner will be at his Karaoke best!